Day 331.

Writing a lot, but none of it is blog ready. Happy 2012. Hopefully the Mayans were right, and at this time next year, I'll be seeing you on the other side of a happier and more loving existence for us all.

Day 330.

Oh my goodness, really? Almost a year and the best I've got for you the day after my birthday is a shot of me in unicorn sweatshirt from Hot Topic and a questionably placed hand a la high school senior portraits.

Day 329.

I couldn't get online yesterday. Here's the pic! Happy birthday to me, with a special appearance by Isadora. So. Much. Love.

Day 328.

I adore myself today.

Day 327.

Going with the flow.

Day 326.

Day 325.

Organic soymilk, organic cocoa, organic honey, real Nicaraguan vanilla, Maker's Mark, organic Strauss whipped cream sweetened with maple syrup leftover from yesterday's french toast, topped with blueberries, in my white mug with blue stars that I bought from Ikea for 99 cents on a whim. And Edward Scissorhands. Merry Christmas!

Day 324.

Happy Absolutely Nothing of Relevance to My Life is Happening Today Day.

Day 323.

Was expecting not to, today, but wow. I feel totally fine.

Day 322.

Fear has stopped me before. I'm kind of done with that.

Day 321.

So. Much. Hair.

Day 320.

As soon as things start feeling better, something has to come up to challenge me and try my last frayed nerve. Urgh. I am working through it, though. I am trying to forgive myself for my imperfections and forgive others for theirs. Blargh. Now I will go run around the block with my arms flailing everywhere.

Day 319.

I sort of have a crush on everyone and everything today.

Day 318.

Day 317.

they have an army.

i have an army, too
of poets
of lovers
of humans
care and compassion emanate from their pores,
wisdom shines through their eyes.
they craft brilliant sounds
write poems.
they sit in introspection,
practicing.
we struggle
for these things we call jobs
that were meant, originally
to make it so that we were all taken care of.
we now compromise our sacred bodies
to pay rent
        (money, paper, numbers on a screen)
monthly, as though it were holy, like the moon
given
to someone who purchased a structure
most likely built by bodies like ours
brown
poor
a structure that needs repair
and sits on land
that most likely is stolen
that most likely is not rightfully theirs.

Day 316.

Day 315.

I look older than ever before. And I am older than ever before. And I love it. The looking and the being.

Day 314.

Forgiveness Meditation

(it can't be said enough)

For any way that I have caused harm to myself,
Knowingly or unknowingly,
In thought, word or deed,
May I forgive myself
And if I cannot do so in this moment,
May I be able to forgive myself in the future

Day 313.

Day 312.

freedomhungry
lovehungry
solitude is not conducive
to the cessation of craving
for connectiontouchliberationlove

Day 311.

Thinking of intricately woven webs of relationships. Humans are all related.

Day 310.

On the phone with my sister, talking about Birthday Art Share. Yay.

Day 309.

You are a precious vehicle
A vessel
What are you transporting?
What are you allowing to move through you?
What are you making come alive?


We know: Everything about you is perfect as is
Who you ARE is perfect
What you do and what people see of you
That is about what you allow to happen,
What your existence and your choice facilitate, catalyze.
What are you choosing?
How are you creating the image of yourself?
Are you loving? Are you kind? Are you honest?
Do you intentionally cause harm?
When you unintentionally cause harm, do you take responsibility for it?
Do you imagine the impact your actions will have on others?
Do you blame? Shame? Guilt?
Others or yourself?
Do you assume? Do you ask? Do you accept people as they are, and love them?
Are you kind? To others and to yourself?
Because you have the capacity to be all of these things.
Are you using your power, your gift of life, of having a body, of being here now
For good?

Day 308.

I have a cold.

Day 307.

Day 306.

Do I look like I've been crying? I have been. Yes. Again. I really really really really need to focus hard on people who love me. Myself included. Yes yes yes.

Last minute intervention, though . . . going to a workshop on how to be happy. With a friend. Who I love. And who I know loves me. This will be way better than sitting at home alone feeling sorry for myself. Must. Pull. Self. Up.

Day 305.

love is a wild onion
revealing its dusty head through earth
its emergence tantalizes you
demands consumption
then
it leaves its stink on you
in you
(emanating from your gut)

Day 304.

Day 303.

Day 302.

Damn, look at that curl!

Day 301.

Propulsion.

Day 300.

Three hundred days!!!!




. . . of hair.

Day 299.

So imperfect, so nervous, so needy.

Trying to remember the important things, like I am not my job and I am not what other people think of me. Also the important things in the positive direction - I am talented, I am kind, I am funny, I am attractive.

Just a stumbly little human, kickin' rocks and trying to find good buddies to walk with.

Day 298.

Day 297.

Home again.

A room overstuffed
With too many reminders
Of a me long-gone
Transformed
Skin having regenerated entirely
Thousands of times over.
I am at my core, the same.
But different than the person who collected these things
Packed them into colorful bags with broken zippers
Trucked them across borders
Folded them neatly and placed them into blue plastic tubs
With hard lids that snap into place
Or slipped them carefully between wine glasses wrapped in newspaper
To absorb the shock my clumsy body would surely inflict.
Things purchased at weird little shops and Guatemalan markets
Because something about them felt like me
Seemed to sing to others who I am and wish to be
And on display, tell the story of who I've been and who I will become.
But where is that story now? And to whom will it be told?
Are things ever the vehicle? The way to tell that which the heart and hands and voice and body can tell so much more efficiently?
Is it worth it, lugging around these things?

Day 296.

Sick and lonely and trying to pretend this will be the one year I don't experience depression all the way through the holidays. Could use a little love.

Day 295.

Day 294.

Thankful for lots of things, but really appreciating the uncomplicated relationships I can have with non-humans lately.

Day 293.

Lookin' kinda sad and tie-tie at my parents' house. Feeling mostly happy to be here.

Day 292.

Day 291.

Things that have been great in recent days:

The company of Flo, Taino, Peter, and Montezuma.
Soy hot chocolate with bourbon and whipped cream.
The movie Mary & Max.
Sitting at home crying and canceling on two friends because I knew I was too depressed to be any fun at all.
Realizing I am not yet ready to develop new intimate relationships.

Day 290.

Rushing off.

Day 289.

Bags under my eyes. Five or so hours of sleep.

Day 288.

"You should call this, 'Don't fuck with us.' Or, Self Care, 2011. Because punching bitches in the face isn't always the best." - Taino

Day 287.

Oh, yes
I deserve love
Big expansive ever-regenerating ever-blossoming love
In the face of my ugliest moments
Tenderly cradling me
Stroking my face
Whispering a song
In Farsi, reminding me of
Everything I have seen,
Everywhere I come from.
Everyone I have been.

Day 286.

This is my new kitchen. I now live with two dogs who are generally happy to see me. (And a human roommate, too, who also seems not to mind having me around.) This is a huge improvement.

Day 285.

Everything is new. I am constantly regenerating.

Day 284.

I want to run far away from here.

Day 283.

Josh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love love love.

Day 282.

My new home is starting to feel . . . like . . . well, my new home.