Thursday, March 29, 2012

Day 420.

Last night, I sort of almost started to believe in a force outside of me that was looking out for me. It was a strange thought, an unexpected thing to feel in my body, in my gut, heart, and head.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Day 419.

Sleepy morning face . . . so much to say, not enough time to write. Must. Reprioritize. Stat.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Day 415.

Yay! Today's special guest star: Hilary Engelman aka Pix-a-licious. Rainy Saturdays are better with friends and tea and cafe time and bumping into other friends. Yes.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Day 414.

I think I'm getting sick of this blog. Is this what it feels like to cultivate patience? Ugh.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Day 411.

Vernal Equinox. 2012.

The family collects, around a new table, sitting on new, soft, powder blue chairs, a pre-purchase image of which was emailed to me, months ago, just after my sister moved into her new apartment. Her new apartment - that's a heavy thing. It's in a shiny monster of an LA gated building called "The Palazzo" and you have to drive to a gate with your car and have the old man who most likely hates his job and hates your stupid face for needing things from him call the tenant you are visiting to make sure you are allowed. And in our case, he had to give us a code, because the complex is so enormous that we had to enter from a different gate than the one we were in front of, before we found a spot labeled "guest," parked, and followed a straight couple comprised of a muscle-y dude wearing an Ed Hardy shirt and a girl with bleached hair, a nose job, a tit job, a half shirt, and $400 jeans into the elevator and up to the penthouse floor.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Day 410.

Going to LA. Happy Persian New Year! Aid-eh-toon Mobarak!

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Day 409.

I vacillate so much between being convinced I am doing everything "right" (the best that I can) and "wrong." Like a pendulum, I swing back and forth between total self-love and self-loathing.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Day 408.

My friends are so hot. If that's not love, I don't know what is.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Day 406.

Packed some books, a couple journals, a change of clothes. I'm out.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Day 400.

All morning, all day, all-consumed by desire, desire, desire.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Day 399.

I am she who holds a wailing lover in the early morning
As his body startles awake and heaves and shakes,
Digesting loss.
I am she whose cunt bleeds on its own terms,
Onto rags stained brown from past expulsions
The cycle, self-determinant, untainted by hormones meant to trick my womb
Into belief of pregnancy.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Day 398.

I took a few pictures today. This was the ugliest one. But I like it - I think I look kinda like how I feel. A bit haggard. A bit tired. A bit old and lonely.

I was walking around feeling simultaneously cheerful and sorry for myself earlier. The sun was out and I had a sweater on and I had just visited a pawn shop across the street from where a lawnmower got stolen out of the bed of my friend's truck, to see if it had shown up there. It hadn't. And I'd walked outside and realized it was too sunny to have on the outfit I did, and so I indulged in some wonderfully grumpy first-world problem angst. Ugh, it's too hot. Poor me!

Monday, March 5, 2012

Day 396.

a shoebox labeled "love letters" stares at me.

i was restless,
had nightmares
about public nudity and ominous life-changing events
earth shook, 5:30 am
and all i remember now is the first thought,
(a thought new to this cali baby who has rocked and rolled with the longest and hardest of tremors)
i don't want to die alone.
in a daze all day because sleep didn't come
overwhelming desire to be scooped and held and told
"you won't die alone. we're all here with you."

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Day 394.

Apparently I go through phases with shirts. I love this shirt. I need 10 more.

Friday, March 2, 2012