Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Trying to remember the important things, like I am not my job and I am not what other people think of me. Also the important things in the positive direction - I am talented, I am kind, I am funny, I am attractive.
Just a stumbly little human, kickin' rocks and trying to find good buddies to walk with.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
A room overstuffed
With too many reminders
Of a me long-gone
Skin having regenerated entirely
Thousands of times over.
I am at my core, the same.
But different than the person who collected these things
Packed them into colorful bags with broken zippers
Trucked them across borders
Folded them neatly and placed them into blue plastic tubs
With hard lids that snap into place
Or slipped them carefully between wine glasses wrapped in newspaper
To absorb the shock my clumsy body would surely inflict.
Things purchased at weird little shops and Guatemalan markets
Because something about them felt like me
Seemed to sing to others who I am and wish to be
And on display, tell the story of who I've been and who I will become.
But where is that story now? And to whom will it be told?
Are things ever the vehicle? The way to tell that which the heart and hands and voice and body can tell so much more efficiently?
Is it worth it, lugging around these things?
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Monday, November 21, 2011
The company of Flo, Taino, Peter, and Montezuma.
Soy hot chocolate with bourbon and whipped cream.
The movie Mary & Max.
Sitting at home crying and canceling on two friends because I knew I was too depressed to be any fun at all.
Realizing I am not yet ready to develop new intimate relationships.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Friday, November 18, 2011
Thursday, November 17, 2011
I deserve love
Big expansive ever-regenerating ever-blossoming love
In the face of my ugliest moments
Tenderly cradling me
Stroking my face
Whispering a song
In Farsi, reminding me of
Everything I have seen,
Everywhere I come from.
Everyone I have been.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Friday, November 11, 2011
I have a lot more crying to do
This is the song my heart is singing:
Let the tears come
And let your open heart thank those
Who can sit with you
In a pool of tears
And who can hold your hand and pull you out
Into the crisp autumn night
And also be with you
In the music and in the dance
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Today, I had lots and lots of conversation with people about money, lack of money, and how the jacked up distribution of resources in this country is effing with everybody's lives.
Person 1: Needs thousands of dollars worth of necessary (not cosmetic) orthodontia she has been putting off for a few years and can not afford. Is considering taking financial help from her father for the first time in her adult life - something she realizes is a privilege to even be able to consider.
Person 2: Has a friend who was diagnosed with breast cancer last summer and due to health care red tape has not yet begun to receive any care for it. The friend can not afford care anyway, and is leaning toward choosing to die slowly from cancer rather navigating all the health care bullshit to have her family go into debt they can never get out of. The person I spoke to has $23,000 of school loans. Started to pay them off, dipped down well below $20,000, then was hit by a car while riding his bike, and is now back up to $23,000 in debt due to medical bills. Tried to have a conversation with his student loan company on the phone about why he can not afford to pay his bills and was hung up on.
Person 3: Works for Peet's. Called in on the day of the General Strike to say he was not coming in. Upon returning to work, learned that his employer told his fellow employees that he had called in sick.
Person 4: Has thousands upon thousands of dollars in school debt. Was a public defender for about five months after law school before being laid off in the midst of the economic nosedive about two and a half years ago. Has not been able to find employment that is in line with his skills and his law degree since. Recently returned to school. Found out five days ago that through some mix-up with the financial aid office, he either had to pay them $9,000 by today or be dropped from his classes. Went to financial aid office to beg his way back into classes. Still owes that $9,000 he does not have.
These are just the notable ones. I do recall vaguely that at least three or four other people came in and our conversation quickly veered toward our broken economic system and the myriad ways it causes people suffering.
I thought I would keep it to myself that this is not new to me. That my people have been suffering for a long time . . . that immigrants, queer folks, brown folks, women, and others have been experiencing this stuff for generations. It is not new to us. But instead I listened, sympathized. Empathized, even. Been there. Am there. Done that. Doing that right now. Yup, we're all fucked. Yup, it's going to have to get way worse before it gets any better. Yup, between our broken economic and political systems and climate change, it's going to get a lot lot lot worse. Yup, yup, yup. Let me buy you this cup of coffee.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Saturday, November 5, 2011
And also, you look like this because in the midst of your weeping, there were friends loving you and caring about you and knowing that you are beautiful and righteous and that doesn't mean you have to be anybody's version of perfect. And also, you look like this because crying is catharsis and even the things you don't understand have to be felt so that they may move through. And also, you look like this because it's all good.