Monday, January 30, 2012

Day 361.

In a tube dress because the fever made me so hot today. Being sick always makes me crave partnership, and then I dig a little deeper. Yes, partners have helped me through illness before, but partnership does not guarantee that kind of help. It doesn't guarantee anything, in fact.

I am feeling proud of the soup that I made today. I was sick making it and it is delicious anyway. I am feeling happy about two newer friends in my life offering to bring stuff over. As far as I could tell, they meant it. I feel like I am succeeding at creating the kinds of relationships I deserve. And I'm realizing I would not have been able to do this had I still been in partnership with my ex. There existed in that relationship a dynamic whereby I was afraid to become as close to people, especially newer people in my life, as I would have liked, because I feared my ex's (potential or real) jealousy. I like not having to worry about that anymore. I get to decide my levels of intimacy with others, without having to explain myself to anyone else, or assuage unfounded fears. Or even founded fears.

I'm thinking a lot about partnership today, and community, and family, and child-rearing, and "alternative" family structures. I'm thinking about care and resource-sharing, and I'm thinking about how many badass womyn I know who are intentionally starting a path of "single" parenthood. And what needs to be in place to support them. And what will need to be in place to support me when I do that in a couple of years. And what I need to practice in the meantime (building support systems, asking for help, being willing to continue building new relationships and going deep with these new folks in the ever-changing landscape of transient, mobile young people and the urban hub of the Bay Area to which so many transients are drawn.) What does community look like when people are no longer attached to place? What does family look like when you have to make up all of the rules? What do relationships look like when you have to make up all of the agreements, all of the time, staying flexible and modifying and re-modifying so everything works for everyone involved? And how is it, even when this seems so extremely challenging, that I believe wholeheartedly that this hard work is worth it?


  1. so grounded and relatable for me. it's an interesting challenge to learn to do things alone, joyfully and wholeheartedly, when coming out of partnership. i see since i've been seriously working on healing myself after heartbreak, i've gone through various stages of wanting to be completely isolated, then around my people, then around new people and then (this is where it gets good), around myself with open arms. it's a nice place now for me. and i'm happy it's a nice place for you too :)

    i want to think about the question what would family look like if i were to make up all the rules. it would be fun to think together. perhaps make a huge thought bubble and create the answer.

    in any case, love you and love your questions- thank you <3

    1. hey lovely! thanks for reading and for your comment! i too have found my moods to fluctuate in terms of what i want and need from others or myself and have gone through phases of deeply desiring connection with others and then going back into myself (comfortably or uncomfortably.) i'm glad i'm not the only one. :)

      i LOVE the idea of getting together to create the family thought bubble! oh my gosh, like a lot. let's do it! maybe a dinner and brainstorm night soon!

      big love,