Monday, January 30, 2012
I am feeling proud of the soup that I made today. I was sick making it and it is delicious anyway. I am feeling happy about two newer friends in my life offering to bring stuff over. As far as I could tell, they meant it. I feel like I am succeeding at creating the kinds of relationships I deserve. And I'm realizing I would not have been able to do this had I still been in partnership with my ex. There existed in that relationship a dynamic whereby I was afraid to become as close to people, especially newer people in my life, as I would have liked, because I feared my ex's (potential or real) jealousy. I like not having to worry about that anymore. I get to decide my levels of intimacy with others, without having to explain myself to anyone else, or assuage unfounded fears. Or even founded fears.
I'm thinking a lot about partnership today, and community, and family, and child-rearing, and "alternative" family structures. I'm thinking about care and resource-sharing, and I'm thinking about how many badass womyn I know who are intentionally starting a path of "single" parenthood. And what needs to be in place to support them. And what will need to be in place to support me when I do that in a couple of years. And what I need to practice in the meantime (building support systems, asking for help, being willing to continue building new relationships and going deep with these new folks in the ever-changing landscape of transient, mobile young people and the urban hub of the Bay Area to which so many transients are drawn.) What does community look like when people are no longer attached to place? What does family look like when you have to make up all of the rules? What do relationships look like when you have to make up all of the agreements, all of the time, staying flexible and modifying and re-modifying so everything works for everyone involved? And how is it, even when this seems so extremely challenging, that I believe wholeheartedly that this hard work is worth it?