Tuesday, May 22, 2012
It's called "The Custys" and throughout the duration of the show (roughly eight hours. You know. Kind of like the Grammys) I present customers with different imaginary awards. This all started when one day, I realized that I was muttering the phrase "Least Favorite" under my breath a good 7-8 times a day. If one of my coworkers happened to be around, I would say it loud enough for them to hear. When they stopped responding to my mutterings, I realized I should probably come up with something more creative. Even if just to get their attention, get a response, and keep myself entertained. Also, it was unlikely that my least favorite person was actually changing all that often.
And thus, The Custys were born. Eight hours, four times a week. Of course, I am not giving out awards the whole time. There is some posturing, some interviewing. Some designer outfits (also known as handlebar mustaches and tattoos and poorly fitting second-hand clothing and small vintage leather shoes with new wooden soles, resoled by the cobbler on Piedmont Ave.) being displayed on the red carpet (AKA floor.) I like to ask people who they are wearing. There is some laughter, and sometimes, some tears. Sometimes, Willow & Jaden Smith are inexplicably there. Occasionally, Rick Moranis has a monologue to share. Some vignette about his travels there that day, or Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. No one ever laughs. It must be tough being Rick Moranis.
I handed out some Custys today. Like with the Grammys, the customers never saw them coming, didn't expect to win. They thought Adele would just sweep the whole show.
A Brief Excerpt:
* Wealthiest Customer By Far Who Never Tips and Constantly Talks About His Pregnant Wife to Convince Himself He Is Not Attracted To Me . . . goes to . . . That Persian Doctor Guy Who Gets a Coffee & Pastry & Always Announces His Trips to the Bathroom!
(Wild applause, cut to Kanye West trying to hide a grimace, then furiously texting his agent.)
* Girl Who Always Acts Like She Is So Down With Me, Even Though If I Saw Her In Public I Would Probably Hide Behind A Tree . . . goes to . . . That Artist Chick Who Thinks We Are Friends Because One Day She Sat At the Bar & Talked My Ear Off About Her Art Show While High On Earl Gray Tea!
(Weak applause, audience was definitely expecting this one to go to Alicia Keys)
* Most Appreciated & Completely Unnecessary Tip . . . goes to . . . Every Hipster Who Comes in & Gets a Large Black Coffee To Go & Tips Me a Dollar Because They Most Definitely Used To Work In A Cafe & They Know How Much It Sucks To Work Your Ass Off & Not Get Tipped.
(Ironic applause, lots of eye-rolling. Awards promote hierarchy, and thus, capitalism. The audience member we're zooming in on now is a plant who's about to instigate a direct action. After that, she'll be at Occupy Oakland if you need her.)
* * * Insert vignette by Rick Moranis, try not to stab self in face * * *
* * * This birth control patch commercial brought to you by the table of three blonde ladies who all ordered frittatas & refused to hide their disdain for the lack of mimosas at our establishment ("Side effects may include brunch with your girlfriends." (c) Matt Sorenson) * * *
* * * This anti-depressant commercial brought to you by the Double IPA drinking stay-at-home Dad who can carry his kid around in a sling from Peru again after grabbing the reins on his depression. Grabbing the reins on Life. Have another beer and don't worry about the goiter, the bald spot, the red spots you're seeing, and the blood in your stools since starting the meds, Dad. * * *
END COMMERCIAL BREAK
* * * Back to Rick Moranis * * *
(Everyone is just waiting for him to stop talking. Cut to Dakota Fanning filing her nails and then quick pan to Coco (aka Ice-T's wife) daintily sipping champagne)
* * * Alanis Morrisette & Dave Coulier show up together to present the award for . . .
* Most Annoying Couple. AND. The award goes to . . . That Couple Who Come In And Apparently Don't Have Jobs But Have Money To Drink Beer And Eat Sausage Rolls And Pickles All Day And Play Games And Make Out In The Front, Right In Plain View Of Everyone. * * *
(Wild applause. Audience favorite wins! All the competition are shown in split screen, and they are beaming and proud. Meryl Streep & Glenn Close look near tears.)
* Most Annoying Friend of a Friend . . . goes to . . . Friend of A Friend Who Should Definitely Know Better by Now!
(Cut to random seat filler yawning.)
That's all for this edition of The Custys! Join us again next time & watch Mahfam try to redirect her customer rage toward Imaginary Rick Moranis!