Thursday, July 5, 2012

Day 519.

So this is what it feels like to be chronically ill.

Up until about a year and a half ago, I got sick once a year. Rarely, twice. Usually it would be an ass-kicker of a cold or flu, and after a few days of hell, I would be back on my feet. Starting about a year or a year and a half ago, I started to get sick more frequently. Way more frequently. It soon became once a month. And for the past few weeks, I have been inexplicably and pretty much constantly exhausted. As of a few days ago, I have not one but two ear infections.

I don't know what's going on and I don't know if I need a homeopath or a naturopath (I don't even know the difference between the two, to be honest.) I know I don't need a "doctor" to shove pills down my throat and/or tell me it's in my head. What I do know: I have become increasingly sensitive to scents and chemicals. My symptoms vary, from nausea & vomiting to headache to fatigue to nosebleeds. I smell synthetic scents and everything in my body says to get away.

I feared that something major was going on starting a few years ago, when I realized that my digits (toes & fingers) were not always responding to my brain's commands. Sometimes my toes would lock up and freeze. Sometimes my pinky finger and my ring finger on my left hand would just not move. It was terrifying, and when I went to the doctor and had a bunch of tests done, the result was "nothing." Seriously.

I'm trying pretty hard to keep my body in check. For a while there, I was pretty unhealthy. During and after my breakup last year, I wasn't sleeping much, and I was having black coffee and cigarettes for at least one meal out of my day. I was drinking, not too too much, but probably a wee bit much. And my eating habits were off. I've been increasingly getting better about taking care of my body. I'm happy to say that on many days, there are greens in 2 out of 3 of my meals, I'm eating very little dairy and meat and not a ton of bread or refined grains, eating plenty of fruit. I'm active in a non-obsessive way - I walk the dog, I dance, I play kickball, I go for a skate or a bike ride, I stretch or drop down to do some crunches and push-ups every once in a while, just cuz. I've cut way back on drinking and have pretty much quit smoking altogether, except for the rare occasion that I have actually had too much to drink. I've also done my best to eliminate synthetic scents & chemicals from my home life, the only thing I have any control over.

So why all the sickness? I don't know know what to do with this weak little body of mine. It's so scary and makes me feel so alone. So often, I feel sick, or exhausted to the point that I feel like I am dragging my body around or struggling to keep my eyes open. And it's totally invisible. People don't see it and it makes me think that I am just losing it, that this isn't actually happening.

I also wonder if or how this intersects with the somatics work I'm doing. I know I'm actively unlocking some old, old shit, some trauma and drama and fear and sadness and who knows what else? And I wonder what the longer-term physical manifestation of this stuff might be.

I don't have a nice, tidy ending. I'm confused and I'm tired. And I just want someone to come scoop me up and take care of it and make it okay.

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