Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Day 243.

The rain does funny things to me. I'm in a perpetual state of discomfort or anticipation of discomfort. If I go outside, I will get wet. What is this fear all about? So what if I get wet? What's the big deal?

If I really try to get to the root of it, there's some kind of yuckiness around financial instability that informs this fear. The story goes a little something like this:

If I get wet, my clothes and shoes will be ruined. I can not afford to buy new clothes and shoes. I need galoshes and a nice raincoat and some rain pants. I can not afford to buy nice rain gear. I can not afford to ride a bike in the rain, because I can not afford to buy the kind of bike that is safe to ride in the rain. I can not ride a bike that is less than safe to ride in the rain, because I can not afford to get hurt: I do not have health insurance. I can not drive to where I need to go in the rain, because my financial situation and my commitment to sustainability dictate that I must use alternative transportation whenever possible. But, let's be real, it's my financial situation.

I mean, I also don't like to be cold, or have wet clothes on without knowing when I'll be able to change into dry ones. I would prefer running around in hot tropical rains in a pair of booty shorts . . . for sure. And I would definitely just prefer sunshine, all the time. I grew up in Southern California. But I think I am finally facing just what makes me so uncomfortable in the rainy season. And maybe I've said things like, "Oh, I just prefer warmer weather," to plenty of people in the past. That's been mostly just to cover up my shame, my deep, deep shame at being poor and afraid that I can't afford to live my life comfortably in the rain.

Unabashed examination of the deep, dark parts . . . to be continued . . .

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