Thursday, April 14, 2011

Day 70.

I am so damn sensitive. In general, I'm rather fiery and sometimes abrasive, and I know that can make it hard for people to realize that I am just all soft and mushy and vulnerable inside. And today, I'm feeling extramuch like a big, soft, squishy, sensitive mess. I wish I knew how to say more about this. Mostly I just want to either cry or be at my parents' house, watching TV with my mom's arm around me, while eating her food.

I wish I could just wake up tomorrow and everything would be drastically different. I would have a different job, and my apartment would have better insulation and central heating. I would be in better health, and so would my dog. My partner and I wouldn't have problems. I mean, sure, we would still have problems, but not the gut-wrenching, excruciating-to-wade-through kind we have right now. I wouldn't have any debt, and neither would he. We would have dirt in our yard instead of concrete, so the veggies would be in the ground (and there would be more of them.) I wouldn't feel so alienated. I would have more close friends who seem to actually know me, get me, and care about me, and more community who see and appreciate me for who I really am. I wouldn't feel so stuck. I would feel free.

If I could wake up tomorrow and control how I feel, I would feel completely free. Is it as easy as deciding that I can feel that way, regardless of what happens around me? No, because the simple fact of existence means I am interacting and interconnected with the rest of the world. It means that my freedom is quite literally contingent on everybody else's. Logically, I should remember that those people who have caused me so much pain are struggling for freedom, just as I am. Maybe that would help me to have more compassion for them, and consequently be able to let go of some of this pain. But my heart isn't interested in logic right now. It wants to be human and wounded.

Random non-linear ramblings . . . just working it out . . .

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