Monday, November 14, 2011

Day 284.

I want to run far away from here.

But instead I will sit and work, do things that help my community heal. And I will heal myself. I will sit and write myself love letters from me. And then I will write apology letters from the imagined perspective of people who I believe owe me apologies. I will see how that goes. Then I will walk, and wash clothes, and run errands, and clean my room. I will clean, clean, clean, until I feel clean again. I will visit with a friend, I will do constructive things, or take a toothpick-to-the-dirty-crevices-things. I will stumble and fumble and probably break my own heart and pick up the pieces again and dust them off, and stick 'em back together. I will survive this day, and I will enjoy some moments of this day, and I will experience and express gratitude for being alive on this day, for having a bedroom that is mine and feels safe, for being able to afford a cup of coffee and a slice of gingerbread.

I will notice my gratitude for people who love me, who check in on me, who hold me when I cry, who help me hold and process my pain, who stand with me in my imperfections and don't try to change me, but support me in my attempts at changing myself. 

I will notice dissonance between expectations and reality. I will notice when I expect or desire for something to feel good, and then I do it, and it feels bad instead. I will practice acting in ways that feel good to me, for me. I will focus on the three wonderful people I ran into today, with whom I had nice inspirational and happy conversation, and not on the one person I ran into today who acts like they don't know who I am since the breakup.

I will appreciate the sunshine, and my glorious and strong body that carries me around, lets me walk through the sunshine. I will notice and appreciate and embody joy.

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