Thursday, June 21, 2012
It is the first day of summer and I am bleeding something fierce. I am in a lot of pain. Cramps, yes. But they are a physical manifestation of all the other stuff. Sometimes I think that's what they are, in general. For all women/people assigned female at birth/people with vaginas. A reminder, once a month, that the world is a hard place for you to be born into, a hard place for you to live in. And if there's even some little bit of pain from the assaults you have surely experienced daily just because of who you are that you are not letting yourself feel, here's a reminder. Feel it. Feel that pain.
I'm lonesome and tired of all the same things, and tired of being tired of the same things. I'm tired of myself. I'm tired of still focusing on the negative so often. I'm tired of my haters [I know this is a really childish term and yet I use it because for me it so succinctly sums up a particular segment of my community]. I'm tired of my job and I'm tired of looking for work. I'm tired of not having everything I want yet. I'm scared about spending time with my blood family, and I'm just about to go ahead and walk into that fear. I'm tired of wanting so much. I'm tired of wanting to be creative and not having the resources or the connections or the time.
I'm super-emo and self-absorbed today. It feels terrible.