Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Day 55.

Le Sigh. Le Sigh Francais. Le Sigh with a cigarette dangling out of the corner of my mouth.

(Quickly: Today I am very happy overall because it is my honey's birthday and I love celebrating him and his wonderfulness. But that's not what I'm going to write about.)

I had lunch today with a friend and former coworker whom I think is fabulous. It was great to ride my bike to the cafe on this sunny day and see her sunny smile and do some catching up. During our conversation, however, this "stuckness" came up for me. I noticed how stuck I am in the narrative of Poor Me.

I've been here before. Then all of a sudden I'm not stuck in it anymore, and I think it's over forever. Things are fabulous! I am great! I can't believe that a year ago I was so stuck in Poor Me Land! Never again! I am so much better than that person over there who is stuck in Poor Me! I'm evolved. I'm the BEST! Then, without fail, my ego is shattered again (healthy, I say) when things go wrong and I can't get what I want or need and it is everybody else's fault. Sometimes it's my fault, and sometimes it's just EVERYBODY ELSE'S FAULT. Dammit.

Yes, sometimes it is in fact everybody else's fault. Sometimes people will screw you over and throw you under the bus and blame you for all kinds of things and you never have a proper opportunity to defend yourself. Sometimes these things happen. I've never been the type to say, "Oh, well. Take responsibility! Put a smile on your face! Move forward!" Because I think making the leap to that Everything-Can-Be-Wonderful-Again-If-You-Just-Will-It-To-Be-So place is dangerous without a healthy dose of processing. And the processing is arduous just about every time.

This time, the processing & healing bit is getting a bit tiresome and long. I know I need to do it so I can get to the next part, but I lack patience in a big way. So I'm still flailing around in Poor Me, trying to figure out how to swim to the surface.

I don't have some profound way to close this out. This is just where I am at today. Poor Me. I can't get the things I need or the things I want. Poor, Poor Me.

(I know I won't be here forever.)

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